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I’m concerned about my loved one…
- How do I know when she has taken her diet too far?
- What are some warning signs I should be looking out for?
- How should I approach my loved one?
- Can you recommend some helpful books?
- How can I connect with other parents?
How do I know when she has taken her diet too far?
Dieting is about doing something healthy for yourself. It’s about losing some weight in a healthy way so how you feel on the outside will match how good you already feel on the inside.
Having an Eating Disorder is much more than just being on a diet. An Eating Disorder is an illness that permeates all aspects of a sufferer’s life, is caused by a variety of emotional factors and influences, and has profound effects on the sufferer and their loved ones. Eating Disorders are about trying to make your whole life better through food and eating (or lack of) and/or exercise. They are about seeking approval and acceptance from everyone. Eating Disorders are about how life won’t be good until weight is lost, and there’s no concern for what kind of damage you do to yourself to get there. Eating Disorders are about being convinced that your whole self-esteem is hinged on what you weigh and how you look. They are an attempt to control your life and emotions through food/lack of food and are a huge neon sign saying "look how out of control I really feel." Eating Disorders are about stress, coping, pain, anger, acceptance, validation, confusion, fear, cleverly (or not so cleverly) hidden behind phrases like "I’m just on a diet."
(adapted from www.something-fishy.org)
What are some warning signs I should be looking out for?
Warning Signs of Anorexia Nervosa
- Dramatic weight loss.
- Preoccupation with weight, food, calories, fat grams, and dieting.
- Refusal to eat certain foods, progressing to restrictions against whole categories of food (e.g. no carbohydrates, etc.).
- Frequent comments about feeling “fat” or overweight despite weight loss.
- Anxiety about gaining weight or being “fat.”
- Denial of hunger.
- Development of food rituals (e.g. eating foods in certain orders, excessive chewing, rearranging food on a plate).
- Consistent excuses to avoid mealtimes or situations involving food.
- Excessive, rigid exercise regimen--despite weather, fatigue, illness, or injury--the need to “burn off” calories taken in.
- Withdrawal from usual friends and activities.
Warning Signs of Bulimia
- Evidence of binge-eating, including disappearance of large amounts of food in short periods of time or the existence of wrappers indicating the consumption of large amounts of food.
- Evidence of purging behaviors, including frequent trips to the bathroom after meals, signs and/or smells of vomiting, presence of wrappers or packages of laxatives or diuretics.
- Excessive, rigid exercise regimen--despite weather, fatigue, illness, or injury--the need to “burn off” calories taken in.
- Unusual swelling of the cheeks or jaw area.
- Calluses on the back of the hands and knuckles from self-induced vomiting.
- Discoloration or staining of the teeth.
- Creation of complex lifestyle schedules or rituals to make time for binge-and-purge sessions.
- Withdrawal from usual friends and activities.
- In general, behaviors and attitudes indicating that weight loss, dieting, and control of food are becoming primary concerns.
Warning Signs of Binge Eating Disorder
- Dramatic weight gain or obesity
- Frequent episodes of eating large quantities of food in short periods of time.
- Feeling out of control over eating behavior.
- Feeling ashamed or disgusted by the behavior.
- Eating when not hungry
- Eating in secret
How should I approach my loved one?
Here are some ideas you should take into consideration when approaching a loved one with the possibility they are suffering with an Eating Disorder.
Be gentle and caring, and be prepared to listen without offering mounds of advice. You are not the person’s therapist, nor should you pretend to be. Being a good listener means your ears are open and your mouth is shut, you are not intervening with "yeah, I know what you mean, that happened to me once when...." - just listen. If they then finish and ask what your thoughts or opinions are, be honest and caring.
Don’t make the person feel threatened. It is not your job to dictate what they should and shouldn’t do. If this person has finally decided to talk to you and trust you, cherish it and uphold your role in holding their confidence.
Be encouraging. The recovery road can be a long and uphill battle, with pitfalls and setbacks. Don’t be disappointed or disapproving when a sufferer displays signs of falling back, just encourage them to continue pushing forward. Recovery is not only hard work, but can be very confusing and painful, be sure to remind them that you understand this, and that "you cannot always continue to stride forward without a stumble from time to time. It’s okay."
Read as much as you can on the topic of Eating Disorders. The more you know, the more equipped you will be to offer a helping hand. Photocopy or print out articles of interest and if time presents itself share the info with your loved one, but do not overstep your boundaries. If the person has asked you not to do certain things, or talk about things, then respect their wishes.
Do not talk about food and weight! Don’t continuously ask what the person has or hasn’t eaten, how much weight they have lost, or how great or bad they look after gaining or losing. This is rude and very threatening and you cannot win either way. Saying they look "healthy since you’ve put on some weight" is heard as "you are fat," and expressing disappointment or concern in weight loss comes across as "you’re a failure" or "you’re a burden." By the same token, don’t be afraid to talk in front of the person about your own day to day living (such as, "yeah, Fred and I went out for dinner last night and the steak was so good.") Your stumbling to avoid topics will be as noticed as your persistence in discussing them. Don’t watch the person "like a hawk" when they are eating, or give looks when they excuse themselves from a meal or from the table.
Recovery is not easy and does not happen overnight! Be respectful and courteous and do not try to be The Food Police.
If your loved one is looking for recovery resources try not to let him/her get discouraged. Unfortunately, there are doctors and therapists out there that do not know what they are doing, or who do not recognize Eating Disorders as the serious issue they are. Be supportive. If you feel it’s within your boundaries, offer to help - find names of local support groups and therapists, and offer to go with them their first time if they’d like the company. If they are getting discouraged be patient, supportive and don’t push. Recovery is a very personal choice each sufferer will need to make for him or herself.
Encourage them to find support in others who share the same experiences, through support groups, on-line bulletin boards or chat rooms, or through larger meetings like those of Overeaters Anonymous. Click here to help them FIND HELP.
Don’t pretend to understand, if you have never had an Eating Disorder yourself.... it will sound condescending and ingenuine. You can be supportive without living with Anorexia, Bulimia or Compulsive Overeating yourself, and your loved-one will appreciate that more than you putting on a facade of empathy. The sufferers of Eating Disorders can do better in their own recovery with a good support network behind them... consider it this way -- don’t we all do better in life when we know we have people we can count on? Learn to be a good listener and what "being there" for someone truly means.
(adapted from Something-Fishy.com)
Can you recommend some helpful books or newsletters?
Click here for some great books for parents and family members.
Click here for a great monthly newsletter for parents of daughters.
Click here for an informative monthly newsletter for families struggling with an eating disorder.
How can I connect with other parents?
In the Atlanta area, attend the Families of Eating Disorders group at Ridgeview Institute.
National Eating Disorders Parents and Family Network
Something Fishy Support Finder
Eating Disorders Coalition Family and Friends Action Network
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